How to climb a volcano: a guide for dummies

   Some people will tell you this is a specialist endeavour, requiring training and technical equipment. Others will talk of danger and the importance of preparation.  After two weeks of research in the geothermal ridge of Central America, here is the complete guide for travellers and casual mountaineers.

Step 1: choose your party wisely

   The important thing here is to make sure they are all unfit and lazy. We did not do this on our first attempt at Volcan Conception on Isla de Ometepe in Nicaragua.  That was a mistake.  Above all, do not go with French men and certainly never with more than one.  They are super-competitive and determined to be up the mountain so much quicker than everyone else that they can regain their breath and rub their nonchalant achievements in your sweating and gasping face.

   Having tailed the two racing Frogs for the first two hours to the lookout point 1,100m up, we decided not to continue on to the more difficult final stretch to the crater 500m above.  The weather was awful and I shamefully took some comfort knowing that they were soaked and shivering on the windy peak that remained stubbornly buried in thick cloud. 

Step 2:  have a back-up plan

   Our next stop was Granada on the northern shore of Lago Nicaragua.  We had our sights set on Volcan Masaya, which we were told was one of the most accessible active volcanoes in the world.  They said it was the ideal place to make a sunset ascent for views into the glowing interior of the crater.  We were promised a pleasant and exciting journey.

   All of this may have been true, except we will never know because no-one was willing to take us there on account of "increased geothermal activity", whatever that means.  We went instead to Laguna de Apoyo, a tranquil lake in a low lying (extinct) volcanic crater.  That proved more dangerous for me as I somehow sunburned in the rays bouncing off the water, despite staying in the shade all day.  I wonder how I would have fared with the rays bouncing off a basin of molten lava?  I dread to think.

Step 3:  Safety in numbers

   People don't talk about "conquering" the terrain for no reason.  Volcan Santa Anna, in the north of El Salvador, was billed as a peak with beautiful views, which could be conquered in an easy two hour ascent.  People in our hostel had been up the previous day and had returned practically evangelising about it.

   Unfortunately, on reaching the Parque Nacional los Volcanes we discovered that only one guide turned up for work that morning.  Of the 15 eager hikers, 12 wanted to tackle the shorter, harder, and uglier Volcan Izalco.  And it looked like three of them were French.  The guide took one look at the maths and and in the resulting skirmish the prospect of their 12 tour fees easily defeated our three.  No bus back down to civilisation for five hours so as it turned out we had plenty of time to enjoy a view of the mountain we didn't climb.


Step 4:  know what you're getting into

   Our final hope rested on the guided tour up Volcan Pacaya, near Antigua in Guatemala.  We confirmed that we could climb it and that the tour was definitely going ahead, that there were enough guides and enough people registered.  And that none of them were French.

   We were collected from our hotel in the afternoon and taken to meet our guide at the park entrance.  "No, we can't go up to the crater: too much geothermal activity."  Nooooooooooooo!!!!  "We'll take you for a walk to a nice look out point half way up and then toast marshmallows.  Who want's to rent a horse?"

   It was a lovely walk, not too hard.  We were suitably bribed with marshmallows toasted on volcanic rocks and as Kizzy pointed out that was pretty cool. 

   After four attempts we have not made it up a single volcano and so it seems that above all things you need to remember ...

Step 5: good luck!